Spring Reflections
As I sit in the park on my lunch break writing my very first blog post, I think about what spring symbolizes and what it means to me. The flowers and trees are in full bloom, everyone ditches their jackets and welcomes the slight discomfort of feeling sweaty because it’s a welcome change from the discomfort of being freezing cold, and there is an overall feeling of renewal in the air. I am usually more motivated to take on new projects in the spring, and I have a lot of ideas flowing right now after my sense of creativity was in hibernation mode this winter. I think this is as good a time as ever to finally start my blog after thinking about it for some time. I already have a slew of ideas and half-written drafts scattered across my devices, but I wonder if the themes of my blog will also change with the seasons.
Therapist usually see patterns with scheduling throughout the year as the seasons change: we see more cancellations when the weather begins to get nicer, we have the “summer slump” where clients want to meet less often because of travels and feeling better, and things pick up in the fall and winter. Although seasonal depression alleviates with the warmer weather and worries about work can feel less intense with trips planned and summer Fridays, heavy thoughts and feelings still remain ever-present for others. Trauma, grief, and existential anxieties don’t like going on vacation. I often see themes of guilt and dread emerge during the spring for those dealing with chronic issues and trauma histories. Unexpected triggers can surface on what should feel like a carefree day. Bad things happen right before vacations and weddings. People still die on a gorgeous spring day. And despite all of this, the sun still shines. The beauty and meaning of spring can feel downright cruel to those who are suffering.
“How can the world still turn when it feels like my life stopped?”
“I envy those who look so happy. Do they know how good they have it?”
“These flowers are beautiful, but they remind me of my dead mom and the grief is so intense.”
I hear these ideas often, and I have thought and felt the same myself- sometimes I wonder how my grief would be different if my dad died on a bright summer day instead of in the throes of a dark winter. I like the idea of dialectics to help integrate acceptance into these thoughts (I refer to dialectics as the concept of two opposing things coexisting together). Acceptance can feel like an awful pill to swallow, but you can get it down in whatever way you need to. To me, acceptance means acknowledging my current reality and reminding myself that I don’t have to love or enjoy it for it to be the reality that I must live through. I accept that my concerns are real and I have problems to solve and issues to worry about. Yet, I don't need to hold those with me right now while I sit in the park and feel the sunshine on my face. I invite you to think about what two opposing things you’d like to hold at the same time. It may be that you are grieving and you can also have fun with your friends. Or that you feel insecure and unhappy with your body, but you still step outside because you know you deserve to enjoy life. You feel scared about making decisions with your partner about the future together, but you plan a date for the weekend because you still have the here and now.
Heres what I’m holding for myself right now:
I’m nervous about maintaining this blog because I have a tendency to stop projects after some time, but I also feel excited to start it and I will explore strategies for writing more consistency.
I need to make some changes in my schedule and workflow, and I don’t have to problem solve that right now. I trust that I will figure it out with time.
Both my clients and myself feel anxious about the state of the world and grapple with existential concerns for what is to come, but today, we are here in this moment and we can still experience joy.
My goal for this blog right now is to share insights I form through my practice of psychotherapy, as well as my personal and professional thoughts about humans and the world and life in general. Broad, I know. I am giving myself permission (and challenging myself) to express my inner monologue in a non-linear and imperfect way here. I have so many thoughts that I'm eager to share, and I hope you’ll join me for the ride.
A tree in full bloom at Madison Square Park, taken on the day I wrote and published my first blog post.